No Large Chicks

6 Apr
Cawan Cake :P

flickr image by Nono Fara

By now I am probably due a post outlining another one of my internet dates. I do have a few tales up my sleeve on men I have met through the World Wide Web. However, I’ll be honest – I don’t particularly feel like dredging them up right at this very second. Let me assure you, it would take some pretty clever wordsmithery to make those depressing stories upbeat and humorous.

That is unless you find stories about cratered skin, disintegrating teeth and lacklustre personalities entertaining.

I am yet to meet the man of my dreams through the hoards of beguiling internet dating candidates. But perhaps all that is about to change…?

The other night I logged onto my internet dating website of choice, bracing myself for the disheartening barrage of unworthy potential life partners, when something caught my eye.

A profile.

But not just any old run of the mill profile. This was a profile belonging to a handsome, romantic soul. A true gentleman. A rose amongst the thorns. A man of many aptitudes, blessed with linguistic talent akin to Tolstoy.

A climber of mountains, a penner of odes, a thief of women’s hearts.

Surely somebody of such greatness could not a mere mortal be?

An Adonis of this magnitude must have gold statues erected in his honour, fleets of sea vessels bearing his moniker, his name written in the stars.

He must surely be the crème de la crème of all male beings. When God created Adam, he undoubtedly had this perfect specimen in mind.

Ladies, beware, while reading his profile you are likely to swoon. It has been cut and pasted here for your reading pleasure.

Your world is about to change…

You have been warned.            

NoLargeChicks (Male, 35)

 About Me

Im Andreas / short for Andi, I like Having Fun ,I Do lots of swimming and love Movies. I like to be Dom.and I think / belive the Girl should be a good Sub for a MAN. Im more Old-fashioned, LOL. BTW Im German , Born in Berlin but I live in Sydney close to the Water / Balmoral Beach…? I think Asian Girls are the most Beautyfull Girls in the World . But I love to hear from All Races Black / Jellow / Green / White / Red / Brown all no Diffrence to me EVERY GIRL is Special…?



Nude Beaches

Ball / Mouthgaggs

Leather & Cuffs

Going Out

Health and Fitness





 What I’m Looking For

Im looking for a Girl I can take out for Shopping / Movies / Dinners and to become Friends first . I do Enjoy also spending MONEY and Quality Times in the Bedroom with a cute Hairless very young Woman for ” NO HOLES BARRED ” Sexy Porn Sessions. But Fun and Friendship is more Importent…? You should be Slim to medium Build up to size 14…? Relationship OK if there is that one in a Million Special ONE…? It seems Im getting better along with Girls much younger than me…?


Feel like your retinas have just been raped while you simultaneously fight back the urge to vomit? Don’t despair; that is a perfectly natural reaction after reading such grammatically incorrect prose.

Where do I begin? Perhaps I shall start with an apology. Sorry I have not accompanied the posting of his profile with a photo.  I understand that a written description of his appearance is not likely to do his exquisite photographs justice, but I will do my very best.

Imagine an average-looking man, of average build. This man looks five years older than he claims to be, is sporting a receding hairline and a sock tan. He has zero fashion sense and considers a dressy outfit to consist largely of an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

His smile is disconcerting. It wouldn’t look out of place on a paedophilic priest. His eyes are shifty.

If you were lucky enough to spend the night with this man (for a no holes barred sexy porn session), you wouldn’t at all be surprised to wake up in a bathtub full of ice, your kidneys absent. Or perhaps waking to find your breasts have been sliced off and he has fashioned them into some sort of makeshift bra that he has attached to his own torso, whilst parading around in a pair of your favourite stilettos.

Yeah, he’s a real catch. It’s just so rare that you meet an ‘old fashioned’ man these days who is also into mouth gags, leather and cuffs. How refreshing!

It’s hard to believe such a catch is still single. And I’m having trouble understanding why he is only able to get along with girls much younger than him. Surely it can’t be because females above the age of fifteen think that he is a complete and utter fuckwit? No, surely not.

I just really wanted to share this little gem with you. I’m sure you understand. It filled my heart with warmth to read his touching words about all girls being special.

Unless that girl is bigger than a size fourteen, of course.

16 Responses to “No Large Chicks”

  1. Emily April 7, 2011 at 12:39 am #

    Oh my gosh, you’ve stumbled upon the World’s Perfect Man! It’s a wonder he has to use a dating site to find a match with a mind like that 😉

    • Dawn Dash April 8, 2011 at 11:49 pm #

      I too am surprised somebody of such high calibre would use an online dating site. Perhaps he sees it as charity work!

  2. Stewie April 7, 2011 at 7:13 pm #

    I should introduce him to Irina Fluffi, my Russian internet ‘girlfriend’. I am happy to stand aside when two beautiful people can procreate (after violent sex) and preserve their genes for future generations to enjoy. 🙂

    • Dawn Dash April 8, 2011 at 11:51 pm #

      If you truly love someone you must set them free. Let Irina Fluffi soar, Stewie, let her soar!

  3. Shay April 11, 2011 at 8:04 pm #

    Gosh I absolutely loved this post!!! Haha, makes me wanna sign up RIGHT NOW to an internet dating website and find me a charmer like that!! Excellent read.

    • Dawn Dash April 11, 2011 at 11:28 pm #

      Well you`ll have to take a number and get in line, because this dazzling prince is all mine! 😉

  4. Special K April 25, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

    The Germans, they never let up with the sweet S&M stylings.

    • Dawn Dash July 8, 2011 at 6:38 pm #

      Hey, that’s my future husband you’re talking about! 😉

  5. mountingandcounting July 11, 2011 at 5:57 pm #

    Oh man…refer that guy to whackass sites like for weird wannabe sugar daddies with fringe sex fetishes.

    Have you gotten those “I wanna be your bitch/slave and paint your toenails” messaged propositions on dating sites?

    It’s all the guys who can’t quite afford to be sugar daddies, can’t quite retain an escort and can’t quite afford a dominatrix trolling for free alternatives. It’s kinda cute to see who all the future Johns of my peers are.

    • Dawn Dash July 12, 2011 at 12:27 am #

      My favourites are the ‘I’m attached and I’m just looking for some no-strings-attached sexy fun’. Top quality!

  6. Sophie @ threetimesf July 12, 2011 at 2:02 am #

    Haha oh dear! And I bet he spends all his time wondering how he is still single….! :/

    • Dawn Dash July 12, 2011 at 2:16 am #

      I’m sure the only reason he’s still single is because he’s still sifting through the millions of offers he received after posting such a well written, sincere, romantic profile. Either that, or women are intimidated by such a perfect specimen.

  7. Sophie @ threetimesf July 12, 2011 at 2:03 am #

    And calling himself NoLargeChicks…and specifying an actual size limit?! Priceless…

    • Dawn Dash July 13, 2011 at 12:20 am #

      I actually looked up his profile again the other day. It was just for interest’s sake, I swear I’m not in love with him! Uh-huh. But when I did I encountered some devastating news – he has now lowered his top female size limit to a size 12. I cried myself to sleep as I’m closer to a size 14. He has also now listed ‘shaving’ as one of his new hobbies. I shudder to imagine what body parts he is referring to.

  8. Kathy July 12, 2011 at 5:36 pm #

    He lost me @ “cute Hairless very young Woman”. I’m sure 10 is over his age limit.

    • Dawn Dash July 13, 2011 at 12:10 am #

      It’s probably a good thing he lost you… A man-god like this is out of most of our leagues anyway! 😉

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