Adulthood Or Slutsville?

20 Mar
She is my drug

flickr image by kainr

It’s official – I have a fuck buddy.

A friend with benefits, casual sex partner, bed friend… Call him what you will, but all these monikers mean the same thing. He is purely somebody I see for sex. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now before you judge me (if you haven’t already), let me explain myself. If you’ve read the post at the top of this page entitled, ‘What Is This Chick’s Deal?’ you’d be well informed of my views on casual sex. In my opinion, just because women are single does not mean they should have to remain celibate. I’ve currently been single for two and a quarter years.  I mean, good God, if I had remained celibate for that entire time I could be considered a saint. Or at the very least, nominated for Young Australian of The Year.

My analogy remains the same – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t treat yourself to a piece of chocolate cake every now and then. Therefore, just because I’m single doesn’t mean I can’t have a rampant sexual encounter from time to time in order to keep me sane.

Right?

When I began my sexual dalliance with my F-buddy five months ago, my friends were all quick to point out that it would never work. How is it possible to have casual sex with someone on a regular basis and not develop stronger feelings for them? Surely one of us was going to end up hurt?

In my opinion, it all comes down to honesty. He told me from the beginning that he wasn’t looking for a relationship due to being in the middle of a messy divorce, struggling under the pressure of a crazy workload, and the fact that he is actually a bit of a fuckwit.

Okay, so that last reason didn’t really tumble from his lips. That is merely my opinion, and the main reason why I could never see myself in a relationship with him.

I’ve tried to have F-buddies in the past, but neither of us had been vocal about what we actually expected from the other person. As a result, these trysts often morphed into unhappy relationships, or resulted in me quickly being repulsed by the very sight of him and discontinuing all contact.

I’ve always said if I was to take on an F-buddy, he would have to meet my specified criteria. I would have to find him physically attractive, he would know how to please me sexually, but for whatever reason I could not consider him as a potential boyfriend.

My F-buddy ticks all three of these boxes.

For a myriad of reasons, I knew from the first date that I did not want a relationship with him. The story of that not-so-dazzling first date is soon to be posted in my love&stuff.com category, so I would hate to ruin the suspense by outlining it for you now.

However, I will gladly list some reasons as to why I would never consider my F-buddy as a possible boyfriend.

1 ) He thinks he is hotter than me. Okay, so he has never actually uttered those words, but I can tell he thinks he’s pretty physically amazing. And he’s always banging on about how people in relationships need to be of similar “physical calibre”. What a tool.

2 ) He is still technically married, even though he hasn’t been with his wife for about nine years. He met her when he was seventeen and she was thirty-one. That’s correct; there is a fourteen year age gap between them. My maths is pretty rusty, but now that he’s thirty-five, that would make his ‘wife’… really old. It’s just creepy.

3 ) He is technically a step-grandad. Sadly, I kid you not. His wife already had a son when they got married, meaning he became a step-parent to a boy fourteen years his junior. That boy is now twenty-one, and has a child of his own. And because my F-buddy is not actually divorced, that makes him a step-grandad. I know – it’s just wrong.

4 ) He is a father to a thirteen (soon to be fourteen) year old son. It’s not so much the fact that he is a father that bothers me. I have dated a guy with a child before. It is more to do with the fact that on his online dating profile, under the section where you can confess to having children, he has left it blank. Very deceiving. He only confessed to fatherhood after a few too many glasses of wine on our first date.

5 ) I’m pretty sure he’s secretly gay. There are a variety of reasons as to why I think this, and I will outline them further in my upcoming post about our first date. But to give you just one example, on a couple of occasions when we have gone for a little stroll (post sex) to get a hot chocolate, he has made a huge deal of accosting every cat he encounters, making weird kissing noises towards them, then stroking them lovingly while whispering, “Yessss, yessss,” in an unsettling baby voice. He claims to know every cat on his street, and unashamedly refers to himself as the ‘cat whisperer’. He has informed me that his ‘cat whispering’ began after he lost custody of his own feline, Mr Beans, during the break-up with his ex girlfriend. He misses Mr Beans dearly, and has a huge black and white framed photo of him on the mantel piece. Right next to a photo of his son – which is half the size. Gay.

6 ) He has no friends. I’m not just being mean, it’s true. He freely admits this. But he makes excuses by saying things like, “I’m just too busy with work,” or, my favourite, “I haven’t had the time to make friends since I moved to Sydney.” Um, he moved to Sydney nine years ago! What normal person hasn’t had time in nine years to make friends? Always beware of people without friends – there’s obviously something seriously wrong with them.

7 ) All his text messages are filthy, outlining what he wants to do to me. Now, this isn’t necessarily a problem, seeing as we are only F-buddies. But every now and then a text message from him will send a repulsive shiver down my spine. For example, one of his favourites is to send me a text merely asking, Cock? And when I returned home from a recent trip overseas he sent me, Too jetlagged for cock? Revolting.

8 ) He is a fuckwit. He’s always saying annoying things that fill my very core with anger. For example, a few months ago when I was on a big exercise kick, I went over to his place on a Sunday. He asked me (post sex, of course) how I’d been going at the gym. I was honest and told him that I hadn’t been since Thursday due to a busy weekend. I knew this concept would be a little difficult for him to understand, due to the fact that he doesn’t have any friends, and therefore would never have experienced a busy weekend. But still. He recoiled from our embrace in thinly-veiled disgust. “Dawn! You have to go to the gym! You have goals!” I read between the lines – he thinks I’m fat. He has often asked me how much weight I would like to lose. I can tell when he does this that he is mentally assessing what I will look like after losing ten kilograms and deciding whether we would be of similar “physical calibre” then. Although once he did say to me, “I don’t care whether you lose weight or not. Just don’t lose any from your tits.” Be still, my beating heart.

I could keep listing reasons as to why my F-buddy will never be my boyfriend, but I’m pretty sure you’ve gotten the drift. By now many of you are probably wondering why I continue to see him at all.

I don’t want to get graphic, but he is a good-looking man, possesses certain skills (wink, wink), is physically blessed in certain areas (nudge, nudge), and is one of the best kissers ever to grace the Earth. Also, he tells me things like, “Well don’t you look pretty tonight,” and, my personal favourite, “Wow, you really are beautiful.” Cue warm fuzzy feelings.

When I’m driving over to his place for a sex-charged rendezvous, I can’t help feeling empowered. There’s something about having an F-buddy that makes me feel in control. So… grown-up. And when I leave his place, sometimes after only an hour, sometimes three, I find it hard to keep the pep from my step. Of course I’d like to find a loving boyfriend, but these liaisons will do until I find my elusive other-half.    

Although there is absolutely no way we will ever be in an orthodox relationship, spending time with my F-buddy takes a little bit of the pain out of being single. I look forward to my time with him, but I certainly never miss him when he’s not around.

When things are to end with him, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the finale is sooner rather than later, I won’t be upset.

To go back to the cake analogy (clearly I’m obsessed with cake), when you finish eating that last slice and the cake has been demolished, you relish how delicious it was, then move on. There will be other cakes in the future. And with any luck, the next cake will be even more delicious than the one you just devoured.

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5 Responses to “Adulthood Or Slutsville?”

  1. anna @bonheurs central March 21, 2011 at 1:01 am #

    the thing with casual sex is that orgasms lead to developing certain attachments (it’s all brain chemistry and such), or so helen fisher claims it to be. and you know, i believe that woman.

    • Dawn Dash March 22, 2011 at 12:15 am #

      Hmm… I’ll have to look into it. But for now, I am certain in the knowledge that a romantic attachment with this guy will NOT bloom. I’d like to direct you back to points 1 through to 8 in my post.

      Especially point number 5. The god-ugly framed poster sized photo of his cat? Truly horrific.

  2. TJ March 21, 2011 at 10:41 am #

    I don’t really see the point. How do you approach this topic with the guys you are dating that you are actually interested in being in a relationship with? Do you just assume they are getting their needs met too?

    I get that one gets horny, and it’s nice to have an outlet to release that tension, but it seems like there is way too much potential for emotional damage here.

    Not to mention…doesn’t it make the “friendship” awkward?

    • Dawn Dash March 22, 2011 at 12:26 am #

      TJ… Good to see you here! I just wrote a longwinded reply to your post on the 20sb forum. But to quickly address some of your questions and comments here…

      1 ) I’d HAPPILY ditch my F-buddy if a lovely boyfriend-type came swanning into my world.

      2 ) As for wanting to know how men I date are currently having their sexual needs fulfilled… No thank you. As my wise mother always said – Ignorance is bliss.

      3 ) Again, I’d like to direct you back to points 1 through to 8 as to the extensive reasons why I will NEVER develop anything more than a sexual connection with my F-buddy.

      4 ) There is no “friendship”. Just a “sexship”. We have a hot chocolate every now and then after a ‘roll in the hay’, but that’s the extent of it.

      I don’t know why it works. It just does.

      • TJ March 24, 2011 at 12:25 pm #

        I guess that makes sense.

        Why would people label it as a “friend”, then?

        I don’t see a problem with this sort of sex partnership if people are upfront and honest of their intentions.

        I don’t think I have the emotional capacity for it, i am way too much ‘wear my heart on my sleeve’ type.

        And in response to the comment elsewhere, I’m sure I’d care about sex more if I’d had the opportunity to try it (and liked it).

        It seems like it would be more fulfilling in a long term relationship, but what the fuck do I know. 🙂

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