The Bait

22 Dec
Bait Ball

flickr image by icelight

I recently made the decision to begin internet dating. I’d decided I was sick of meeting intoxicated men in noisy bars, where conversations often seem to involve screaming in each other’s ears in order to be heard over the music, before quickly giving up and finding a dark corner to grope each other in.

I began my internet dating endeavour with no expectations. If I had no expectations, then I was less likely to experience disappointments. I know – I’d make a terrible motivation speaker, wouldn’t I?

I really wasn’t sure what to expect from it all. And to be honest, I certainly didn’t possess grand notions of meeting my future husband through the internet. But it would be a welcome change to meet someone I could actually have a semi-intelligent and amusing conversation with, who hopefully wouldn’t spend the entire encounter staring at my breasts while trying to get me inebriated enough to remove my panties.

One can always dream that such a man exists.

Having a quick scroll through the male profiles on my chosen internet dating site, I quickly decided what I wasn’t looking for. That knowledge assisted me in crafting my profile. Here it is in all its sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek glory.

About Me:

Meeting men isn’t hard. I have a dazzling personality, am not entirely atrocious looking and have a decent set of boobs. I also have a heartbeat. This seems to be enough to attract some potential suitors when having a few drinks at the local watering hole on a Saturday night. However, it’s a shame most of the guys I meet soon prove themselves to be tools. Surely there are some decent men out there somewhere?

I have many interesting hobbies. One of these includes taking black and white photos of myself wearing far too much eyeliner, then putting them on facebook. I mean nothing over the top, just nine or so a day. I also have a penchant for drinking quite a few alcoholic beverages, then sending drunken suggestive text messages to everyone in my phone. You know, just the usual!

I’m not sure where this online dating caper is going to take me, but if any of the following sounds a little something like yourself, you need NOT apply…

1) Your profile consists of a longwinded description of your current job, hinting to the very likely possibility that you are in fact a boring wanker.

2) You have provided a comprehensive recount of your weekly workout schedule. I have zero interest in how much you can bench press.

3) You have listed every country you have ever travelled to, no doubt hoping this will result in a girl wanting to have sex with you. It won’t.

4) You are unwilling or unable to partake in witty, sarcastic, snappy banter.

5) You are merely here to find some b-yatches to shag. Please keep your herpes-riddled private parts away from me.

To everyone else out there… Hello and welcome!

What I’m Looking For:

A personality. Cuteness doesn’t hurt either.


Basically, the aim of my profile is to attract some guys who actually have a sense of humour. I’m bored of reading profiles where people state their interests as going out AND staying in. Well, at any one point in time you’re either one or the other, aren’t you? And there’s also the good old classic comment about loving spending time with friends and family. Really? Well, we’re just not going to get along then, as I much prefer to hang out with people I despise.

So far, responses to my profile have been mixed. Some guys have told me it comes across as a little negative. Clearly the not-so-subtle sarcastic nuances were lost on them, in which case we’re just not going to get along anyway.

Some have been confused by my apparent disdain for travelling. In actual fact, I love travelling and have seen quite a large chunk of the world. I merely see no reason in rattling off a long list of travel destinations in the hope of impressing people.

After reading my profile, a small percentage of men have told me that I am their dream match. They are either desperate, or just really keen on getting a shot away with a girl without having to pay for it.

Whereas, others have told me they found my profile amusing. These are the men I want to date. If the most I ever get out of this experience is getting to know a few more interesting people to have a beer with, then so be it. In which case, hopefully they’ll have an attractive single brother.

The bait is ready and it’s time to go fishing.

Let the dating begin! 

5 Responses to “The Bait”

  1. Frank December 22, 2010 at 10:49 pm #

    I can see why some dudes would be turned off, those with a brain past their sell by dates, or those who are intimidated by your strong personality.

    What you have listed are the kind of stuff a guy wouldn’t want to read on a sheila’s profile; So why should a babe read it off a guy’s profile too?

    I would say to just keep searching and if you can’t find anyone, am sure it will still be a fun experience for you.

    P.S Hope it’s warm up there in Sydney. Bloody freezing here in Melb lately. Merry Christmas to ya too babe.

    • Dawn Dash December 23, 2010 at 12:30 am #

      Yes, there seem to be many men using online dating who really are in need of personality transplants. But then, it’s probably the same for a lot of girls on there. Perhaps they can all couple up with each other and have many boring offspring! Ah, you’re a Melbourne boy? Nice and toasty warm up here in Sydney 🙂

      • Frank December 23, 2010 at 5:47 pm #

        Just spent the last four years here in Melbourne. Heading back to the tropics for good at the end of the year.

        You just gave me an idea. Maybe someone should start a dating site for BORING people only. Since they share the same boring stuff, they can couple up and get companionship too. You make money off the site as well. A win win for the world and humanity in general.

  2. Rick December 23, 2010 at 3:18 pm #

    The more I read your blog, the more I think you are a guy trapped in a girl’s body…

    I’m from Singapore, and if you have the chance to come down here, email me and let’s go out for drinks!

    Dun worry, I won’t take this opportunity to jump on you cos I’m too much of a cunt to make the first move. Usually I just wank myself off at home or I will go for paid sex.

    • Dawn Dash December 23, 2010 at 6:59 pm #

      And who said romance was dead? 😉

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